Stop stealing bikes you monsters

The bicycle is an ingenious invention whose unmatched efficiency democratised travel, gives us freedom, simple joys and cheap reliable transport. The beauty of this simple machine’s brilliance is why we fall in love our bikes. We name them, we personalise them, we treasure them, we respect their hard work. They are part of our families.

The humble bike is most children’s first taste of freedom. Summer holidays trundling beyond previous boundaries, zooming faster than you could run, forming two-wheel flocks of friends, and going to school alone. Bikes reduce congestion, save the NHS billions, reduce emissions and strengthen communities. Cyclists look out for other cyclists.

This is why those who steal bikes are especially evil. Contemptuous, malignant, sociopathic. If you steal bikes you are stealing a family member, you are making the world worse in countless ways, you’ve taken away some of my liberty. You care nothing about the environment, care nothing about health, care nothing about society. Damaging childhoods, disrupting daily life and, worst of all, breaking people’s hearts.

True, some bikes can be expensive, but most are not. You cannot be making your fortunes from your acts of horror. It must be true that thieves feel no empathy for if you knew how gut-wrenching the loss of one’s treasured bike is, you’d wouldn’t dare.

If you suffer this loss, as I and my friends have many times, the next kick in the teeth comes from the police’s utter disdain for your loss. Some desk-bound analyst has deemed the cost benefit ratio too low to bother doing anything beyond sending a pro-forma email, which you’re lucky to have your name typed into. If you stole my lawnmower I’d probably agree, but your equations are missing something important: emotion.

“It’s fine if you have insurance” someone said. Has society sunk so low that we passively permit acquisitive crime because Admiral will pay out? First, not everyone can afford to be insured; second, most bike owners don’t want a new bike, they want their bike—the one they took on holiday, the one that got them home the night they were dumped, the one that got them through the driving rain, the one they went to work on the past ten years. A society that thinks progress is allowing insurance companies to get rich because the police are off chasing trespassers is not one I want part of.

So, bike bandits, why do you do it? Are you being forced to? Are you desperate? I’m keen to know because there has to be a better way to spend your time. I’ve met career criminals. They usually aim higher than this. They have some sophistication. What’s your explanation? OK, maybe you’re really desperate and you need help. Fine, let’s work on that, but stop it with the bikes. If you have to steal then steal something else, please.

The misery you’re creating has value, too. Maybe you have a good explanation. Even if I cannot fix your problems, I can suggest other things you may want to steal instead. I see a lot of Teslas these days.

I’ve lost count of how many of my bike friends I’ve been forced to break up with. Is it five? Ask anyone in London or another big city, and you will hear they are resigned to the fact their relationship with their two-wheeled pal is likely to be transitory. Figures for London alone range from fifteen to twenty thousand thefts a year—50 a day—and that’s just the ones reported. Knowing this means we don’t commit to them as properly as we should. We treat them less well. We keep our insurance documents close to hand. We care less about what we have, limit our love, treat each journey as a transaction. When will I have got a positive return on my investment?

We must not lose our love for our wonderful machines. Stop taking them, please. Cyclists are good people. We give and take. We put up with abuse. We look out for each other. We can handle the cold. There are worse people out there you can profit from. Go to Chelsea, if you must.

If there were a competition for worst job, Bike Thief must be near the top. On the off-chance one of you is reading this: you are morally hollow, your contribution to life is a big negative, you deserve to feel the pain that you cause. If you did, I think you’d stop and think before you angle grind your next D-lock. So please: stop and think.